Summer is gone

It has come to my attention that Summer is gone, so I might write about it and see if that makes me warm. 

In Summer, the sun sends its radioactive fingers down to earth, burning through layers of (white) human flesh, searing its way into our skin, causing cancer or even worse, an odd-looking tan line. Otherwise it leaves you with slightly browner (and somehow more attractive) skin. But not me. I first suffer the humiliation of the spots of red where I've missed putting sunscreen on, and then the pain. And then back to normal. Ew.

Alas, I feel I shall not last the winter. I require the oncoming UV onslaught from our oppressive solar master. My poor self shall freeze any day now; with the threats we get on the news about the 'big freeze' and -2 degree nights. My feet will search in vain for precious warmth, and will trigger pain receptors in my brain when they find none. Oh, and I will quite possibly die. All because the earth is so out-of-whack due to global warming. The result of all you people out there that like to drive a few extra miles in your stupid SUVs, wear cheap spray-on perfume and to kill those stupid flys we get in summer with scented aerosol fly spray.

What's that you say? You just want to drive in comfort? To where? Up the Himalayas?! You're driving a flaming monster truck! But no, gotta keep pushing that hole in the ozone. Do you EVER stop to think of the earth? And, to a lesser extent, the people? No. It's just drive drive drive, gas gas gas, SUN SUN SUN and finally, when your planet has become a dry, desolate, parched WASTELAND unfit for any form of living, you will thirst for water. And when the atmosphere is filled with a smelly mixture of scented aerosol and CO2, you will gasp for air. And you will cry out to the humble rainforest. You will cry out "Oh, how wrong we were! We have seen the error of our ways, and it is too late! Our technology has forsaken us! I must find a source of food to feed myself! I must find a source of fuel for my Hummer, or sunglasses that block out pure UV. Now, where are the plant plankton that produce the air for our planet, or the rainforests that turn our bad air into something breathable?!" You will search for them, fruitlessly. Because you let gay people trawl the seas and kill dolphins and microscopic plant life.

You have forced us to live the rest of our lives in constant seasonal turmoil.

Let's see who's turning on the air conditioning NOW, buddy.